One of the things I love about Spanish is how much fun everyone has with similes. When I was studying at the Escuela Oficial de Idiómas (the Official School of Languages) many years ago I picked up some classic comparisons such as: ser más largo que un día sin pan – to be longer than a day without bread, ser más alegre que unas castanuelas – to be happier than a set of castanets (!), the seemingly inexplicable ser más chulo que un ocho – to be smarter / flashier / cooler than the number eight (8 was apparently the number of a tram in Madrid on which the spiffy kids rode to go to the San Isidro fair), and the marvellous ser más corto que las mangas de un chaleco – to be shorter than the sleeves of a waistcoat, ie, ‘as thick as two short planks’.

Out there, however, in the street, in songs, on the web and in the press you can read / hear a million and one más + adjective + que expressions that seem to have been made up on the spot and that run the whole gamut from corny, absurd, witty and ironic, to cringe-makingly crude and absolutely hilarious. Here are a few choice insults for starters.

– Eres más pesado que una vaca en brazos. You’re ‘heavier’ than a cow in arms, in other words, a very large pain in the neck.

– Eres más inútil que un cenicero en una moto. You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.

– Eres más vago que la chaqueta de un guardia civil. You’re lazier than the jacket of a Guardia Civil. Nuff said.

– Eres más largo que la infancia de Heidi. You’re longer than Heidi’s childhood.

– Tienes más pelígro que una piraña en un bidet. You’re more dangerous than a piranha fish in a bidet.

– Tienes menos detalles que el salpicadero de un Seat Panda. You’ve got fewer ‘details’ than the dashboard of a Seat Panda / You’re an inconsiderate s.o.b. This is a play on words as detalles are details but tener detalles means ‘to be thoughtful, considerate’.

– Eres más basto que un Petisui de morcilla. You’re more unrefined / uncouth than a black pudding-flavoured Petit Suiss (Petit Suiss is a popular make of fromage frais).

– Andas más perdido que un pulpo en un garaje. You’re more ‘lost’ / out of your depth than an octopus in a garage.

– Eres más feo que el parto de Mick Jagger. Poor old Mick. You’re uglier than the birth of Mick
Jagger.

Feel like adding any more? There are hundreds ….